Update, sort of

Its been nearly three months since I wrote anything on here.

• haven't written anything original since that time - I have stories that I could be working on but the Muse is completely suffocated by the stress that is living with LM;

• I am heading towards four years of writing at Taming the Muse over on Livejournal which is kinda freaking me out. It seems cowardly to be able to write fanfiction but not original stuff, but I guess it's easier? Because no one pays to read my fanfiction - if they don't like it, it didn't cost them a penny and generally speaking they don't feel the need to vent their spleen. The same cannot be said of published writing and I think I may be just a little bit too fragile for that at the moment;

• My Lady is unwell. No details but it scared/s me and I wake up sweating sometimes wondering what the frick frack I would do without her. I feel like such a chocolate teapot as last time we spoke on the phone, SHE was consoling ME! FML!   

• The insomnia is pretty darn horrific. I've been catching up with sleep during the day with LM at school but the holidays are here and I'm not going to be able to do that anymore. Nightmares that make me afraid to close my eyes so less than pleasant. I need to do something. Also seem to have caught this whole mind-revulsion thing caused by those images of lotus pods on facebook, etc - literally my whole body tingles and I can't close my eyes because they are all I can see. Ugh.

• Yoyo dieting continues. Its too hot to be this overweight but putting the effort into myself involved in dieting seems too hard sometimes. 

So I've decided to get through the next four weeks of writing to win my final Taming award, then start to try to write something original AS my taming each week. Maybe that way, I can ease my way back into writing without too much pressure? 

Procrastination is an art form....

...of which I seem to be a master. I can't even say that I don't have the idea in my head because I do - I have a rough outline of what I want to write, and approximately 1000 words already written. I just - can't seem to make myself write the next couple of thousand.

There's a deadline - 15th April - which is getting closer and closer, especially as I have to travel to take LM up to visit her grandparents; counselling appointments for LM; and hopefully visting family.

I've opened the word document, re-read what I've already written, pulled out the writing book with my notes - all set to get started. And now all I want to do is sleep, watch TV and read fanfic. It doesn't even need to be good fanfic - just pages and pages of something to focus on instead of writing.

Part of it is fear I think. The story is due out soon and I'm concerned about the reaction to it. I got seriously burned by Alien Christmas so can't help being anxious for this one. Add to that the fact that Silver Publishing is being taken over and I may never see the royalties from Alien Christmas - all of it just seems a bit overwhelming.

LM been screaming on and off for four hours because she was asked to sweep the (miniscule) hallway and I just want to put my head into a bucket of water and scream.

Hmmm, maybe it's not procrastination - maybe it's just plain old depression!